I killed three spiders....

I have killed three spiders this past week. Just as we were getting comfortable, the creepy crawlies came out.

From my Frommer’s Guide: Spiders are common all over Australia, with the funnel web spider being the most aggressive. Funnel web spiders live in holes in the ground and stand on their back legs when they are about to attack (I am feeling faint…seeing black spots…gotta stop reading…). Red-backs have a habit of resting under toilet seats (I think I can hold it for 15 more days) and in car trunks (who needs luggage anyway?).

The first spider was about 1.0 Australian cm in circumference (Austalian centimeters are actually about 1.5 times as big as American centimeters). He was black and hairy and had lots of attitude as he strolled out from under the couch. The “bad” spiders have “fiddles” on their backs. Yea Right! Like I am going to find my reading glasses, stoop over and take a good look at his back. By the time I get close enough, he will be standing up on his back legs with his other six arms reaching out for me. (I think I am going to throw up). Rather than trying to see if he had “fiddles,” I just stood back and threw things at him until he was dead (note to self – must buy a new microwave).

The second one was on the kitchen floor (a relative of the first as it was black and hairy too). I squished it with a tissue and it BUZZZZZZED in my hand. I screamed and threw the tissue in the air – jumping back in an agile and deft manner! The author would like to highlight that Jim York barely even looked up from his book (Jim’s note: Any spider that vibrates as a part of its death gasp does not need another victim. Besides, it’s not the spider you can see that you worry about.). The third one was much smaller and brown and I flicked it off of Jim’s shoulder. Eeewwww…. (Jim: You will note my calm lack of agile leaping or girlish screams.)

On a more comforting note; let’s talk about food. Jim and I love to grocery shop. (Did you know that about us?). We like to walk up and down each aisle, carefully examining the items, putting a few special things in our basket. Perhaps, for Jim, it’s the thrill of the hunt… (Jim’s comment: Shopping is NEVER like hunting but it’s as close as Lara is likely to get so I put up with it.)

Grocery shopping in Australia has been particularly satisfying as it is a step back in time with a whole cast of characters providing services behind shiny, glass shelved, splendiferous, food-filled counters. There is Sam the Butcher, Alice the Baker, Joseph the Seafood Seller, Max the Deli shopkeeper, Seth the Poultry Merchant and the Fruit/Vegetable stand (see photos). Each appears to be its own separate entity with a neon sign and uniforms.

We have concluded that Australians like uniforms.

Middle aged men wearing knee high socks with shorts, ladies at the races in their dresses, pointy toed shoes and high hats, men at the races in their suits and dark hats, the University gentleman on a bike wearing a gold corduroy jacket with one pant leg stuffed into his black sock and sporting a bike helmet, the elderly lady in downtown Canberra wearing her “I love Lucy” dress with a gold lapel brooch and sporting black lace up shoes, the gardener in his Paul Hogan outback outfit (he also wears the black socks with his shorts). I have to say that their teens look just like our teens – possibly thinner and a little more wholesome.

Aussies seem to like their back up systems. This is probably related to the fact that death is waiting for them at every turn (reptiles, mammals, arachnids, unfenced cliffs, spiny sea creatures and the unforgiving “bush”). I guess having a “Plan B” approach to life is necessary for simple survival.

Every light control and every plug has its very own on and off switch. Is this a safety feature so you can stick a fork in the plug and then have to intentionally turn it on to hurt yourself? Then there is the design feature that every public and private bathroom has a drain right in the middle of the room. Jim thinks this is so people can still go potty when they have had a few too many “schooners” (if you can’t even hit the floor, you’ve got problems). Even the toilets have two flushing mechanisms. Being too modest (OK that’s a stretch) to ask about this feature, Jim and I think we have it figured out: One button for “Number 1” and the other button for “Number 2”. These buttons even have brail bumps on them (so you can select the right one in the dark?). We think the “number 2” button involves a masticator (look that word up). I suspect that we could ask since the Australians are generally…well…blunt. However, that would probably be an admission of persistent improper flushing technique.

On being blunt, we have noticed two notable examples. The first is their government-required warning statement on cigarettes. They simply state “Smoking will cause a slow, painful death.” Not a lot of empathy there. None of this “we really care for your well-being,” Surgeon General, authority figure approach.

The second example involves the road signs to Canberra. When one is outside of Canberra, the road signs simply point to the City. “The City: 80 Km” with an arrow. I guess there is only one city that could possibly be in that direction, so it’s sufficient.

There are only about 7 widely separated cities in the whole, entire continent (Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Canberra, Cairns, Perth and Darwin), I guess it is pretty straight forward and efficient to just print up a bunch of signs that just say “The City is That Way”. Everything else is just red dust and bramble bushes with squatters. If you can’t figure that out, you don’t deserve to be on the road.

Headscratchers:

Prime Minister John Howard has been voted into office so many times that he has been the administrative figurehead for 16 straight years. I guess they decided that it really doesn’t matter who’s in charge as there are so many other more important things to worry about (like the fact that every time you set your feet on the floor something is likely to crawl out, stand on its back two feet and sink its teeth into your ankle).

Sign Observed in Cooma: Ski/snowboard hire and dental clinic. (Is this “one stop shopping” for the extreme sportsman?)